Considering the present political climate with loggers being banned from the woods and such, there is a current dislike for the killing of trees. Everyone knows that trees are used to make toilet tissue. For those environmentally aware personas who do not wish to cause a tree to die just so they can wipe their heiny, we displaced woods workers have come up with a wonderful, environmentally friendly option — Owl feathers. This is a green option for all those who are concerned about the environment and should be chosen over the soft ‘Charmin’ by all those who are rather alarmed by the manner in which people have been going.
Anticipating a huge demand due to an endless supply of such personas, we have quite pleasantly fallen into a great capitalistic venture furnishing S.O.F. from the limited quantity of Owls (and feathers). It seems the 
S.O. molts often, so we have employed some environmentally conscientious owl-lovers to run around in the woods following the S.O.’s with their ‘nose bags’ — ex-logger’s lunch pails which have been recycled into socially acceptable biodegradable containers — in which they can save the Owl-feathers as they come drifting down from the old growth tree tops. I’m sure all those who share our concern for the environment will rest easier knowing they are not killing a tree every time they take a dump.
By the way, our genuine spotted owl feathers toilet tissue engineers have calculated that, in keeping with current ‘green’ sentiment, you can perform said job with only one feather per sitting. In that way you will be conserving the S.O. population, and we will be able to keep up with the needs of this new market.
Go Spotted Owls! , and ain’t capitalism great!